"Start with the ending, stop pretending." That's the chorus of a song by David Wilcox that I was listening to on the radio this morning...and if you ever get a chance to give it a listen, it really is a pretty profound song...
and part of the message is to go into relationships without the lies...
you know what I'm talking about. The lie where you pretend you aren't very sexually experienced...because if you admitted the real number of (people) you had sex with you might scare the guy off...and who knows what the guy's scare off number is...maybe it's 30...maybe it's 300...maybe it's 3. So we don't take the chance...we lie...and then the truth comes out...and it's BAD.
"Relationships work when there is honest communication from the first hello. Stop pretending to be who you think they want you to be..."
That's what I recently told a girl friend when she called with that very problem...out of of relationship and looking...but every guy always throws out the how sexually active have you been question...
the last date really pissed her off and her comment to me was, "I'm twenty-nine years old, do I look like a virgin to you?"
Since she is too hot for mere words I can only say I snorted and tucked my x-rated fantasy back in the safe tidy box in my head...
then she asked "how did you know Sir Hotness was the one?" (valid question, we got married three months after we met)...
next question...
"how long did you wait to have sex? because I think I ruin my relationships before they have a chance to start because I jump into bed too fast."
(another good question)
But how could I answer? And why in the hell was she asking me? I mean...REALLY?
Her answer? Because SirHotness and I are the most happy, most relaxed, most real couple she knows. Because I can tell Sir Hotness anything...and because she wants a relationship like that.
Sorry, kiddo, I think ours is a one of a kind relationship that probably has its roots safely planted about three incarnations back...but here's what I said:
I knew I wasn't willing to ever settle for less than "perfect for me" again. I defined what I was looking for and decided that I would grow old alone before I would venture into another wrong relationship...and part of defining Mr Perfect for became figuring out who the fuck I was first...
She looked like a deer caught in headlights...
She really doesn't want to face who she really is because she is still waiting for someone to define her...big mistake. "Stop it!"
I decided to tackle her easy questions...
how long til sex? (btw if you are a close friend or relative you may want to stop reading because maybe you don't want to know me or Sir Hotness this well...)
actually we had phone sex...before we even dated...of course first we talked about honesty, communication, and you got it...sexual expectations...because I'm that girl...I was tired of being in relationships where I had to pretend to be someone I'm not...I can be crude, vulgar even, in everyday conversation, just ask any of my daughters and they will tell you, no topic is sacred...would any man really think I was something other in the bedroom? Yeah, they have...and I've paid for it dearly by keeping my wants and needs in check so I wouldn't scare them off. So with SirHotness, I broke the too early for sex taboo by initiating phone sex with him on our third telephone conversation. Did I take a chance? Maybe...but I was comfortable enough talking to him to think that we were on the same wavelength...so by the time we actually went on a date...we'd already been intimate and he already knew some pretty scary secrets to boot. No hiding, no pretending.
will that work for my friend...the phone sex? not a chance...but the honest communication and hopefully in depth chatter about expectations will be a better start than what she's experienced before...it's all about finding the person who "get's you"
so then I back-tracked...to the first question because that is exactly how I knew I'd finally found the right one...
He "got me"...I didn't have to dumb it down for him...we were and are on the same wavelength mentally, physically, emotionally, and most days intellectually...although he is by far the smarter guy (maybe he dumbs it down for me).
Last night he called from his hotel room and shared a story about one of the conversations he had with a co-worker...the co-worker had told a third that SH had the best wife ever (The part where I watch a lot of porn for 'research' being only one of the contributing factors to that statement)
I went to sleep smiling...because SH is the true hero to this story because "he gets me" and that makes him the best husband ever.
