Mostly Raw... and Keeping It Real

I am officially 52...
I am Writing! Yes, as of June 3, 2015 I have been back behind the keyboard and that is BIG in my life. For all the reasons I want to toss my medication out, this one reality keeps me swallowing the RA Meds. The reality of RA and Brain Fog is more real to me than any other health issue I struggle with.

I have been fighting,kicking, screaming, and accepting the reality of what having a Chronic Health Condition means for 8 years...
I am still mostly RAW...
I am still getting around without a cane, wheelchair, or oxygen tank... go me!
I am still taking RA Medication that is terrifying to think about for too long... but that is keeping me walking, breathing, and clearing the brain fog so I can write erotica again...

This is me at 52 ...Mostly Raw... and Keeping It Real



Today has been so exciting already! It's not even noon yet!!



The Romance Review by Delta:

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this book. Get it, get it now!!!
Dr. Alexandra Van Zant is having a REALLY bad week. Between trying to figure out how to save the world from a deadly virus that one of her employees developed, her husband's multiple infidelities (one resulting in a child), the release of security footage showing her having sex with Patrick "Gabe" Gowan, Conor Larkin and Jonathon O'Donnell (and loving it), you'd think she'd hit rock bottom. But the worst is yet to come when she drops off the grid and heads to Montana to clear her mind and visit her brother.

Alexandra is a savant, the world's leading molecular biologist in the genomics of disease. She also has bipolar disorder, OCD, ADHD and control issues. In a word, she's an extremely brilliant hot mess. As bodies start dropping all around her, Alexandra and her supremely intelligent mind will have to sort out exactly who she can trust.

The second book in the Van Zant Siblings, SURVIVING THE BIG MISTAKES, was a doozy! I went about this series all wrong, picking up book 3, then heading back to start at book 1. Now that I have an actual background on the characters, I feel like the third book makes much more sense to me. But I digress. Alexandra is such a fascinating and unique character, one that I haven't even seen similarities to in other books. She's only ever been sexual with her lying, cheating husband, but once she has a menage a quarte with Gabe, Conor and Jonathon, she realizes that she can use sex to escape the trappings of her mind for awhile. She's literally got the weight of the world on her tiny shoulders, knowing that if she gives up, there's a good chance the death toll due to the virus will be astronomical and worldwide. She's so foreign but such an empathetic character that you can't help but just fall in love with everything about her.

Similarly, Gabe is her oldest friend in the world, and now her new lover. He's charming, affable and sexy as hell. I love that he's more than willing to share her with his mates; their menage was soooooo freakin' delectable! The action in SURVIVING THE BIG MISTAKES was terrific too, I never knew which way the wind was going to blow with Alexandra and Co., even though I'm well aware of the next book, which I should probably read with fresh eyes before delving into book 4.

Bottom Line: 

Get this. Now. Don't pass go, don't collect $200. Just get it and realize your worst fears and biggest desires all in one delectable read.





In the Nomination Round, Consequences of the BIG Mistakes has to garner at least 50 nominations within the time period in order to qualify for the next and final round. The nomination will start on March 14 and end on March 31. Invite your fans and reader community to nominate the book here: 






Why RA Changed my Writing Focus

I constantly lament that Romance, Romantica, Erotica has become so canned...
Okay, I've been around awhile...
20 years ago when I started this Blood/Sweat/Tears Journey of Writing there was one size fits all, white on white boy meets girl ...
Sure, there was gay erotica and bdsm erotica but it was not in the mainstream...

I'm still ranting on and on because the fight for diversity across the love/sex genres is still sparse...
Yes, yes, there is multiracial diversity, gender diversity, and preference diversity (kind of...) because you still have to hunt for great writing in those genres...
But it's out there...the romance novel of today is not the same as yesterdays...

Back on track:
My lament continues because their is hardly any chronically ill/disabled persons represented in Romance, Romantica, Erotica ...thank you The Fault in Our Stars and Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl for making me cry my guts out and I love you for that because emotion is so cathartic,: however, I am still looking for the great story that portrays the pain, challenges, laughter, and orgasmic sex that chronically/ill or disabled people face every day...

Maybe the writers are out there, writing their hearts out...but publishers are afraid to take a chance. Yeah... there's a blog post I kinda touched on the taboo aspects...

Maybe its the size of the target audience is so small...
Ummmm... 1 in 5 US citizens is disabled... that's a pretty small number, right?
Yep, 36 Million...tiny
Annnnnd... 1 in 2 US Citizens have a chronic, invisible illness... 1 in 2? Seriously?
117 Million

If I could whistle, this is where I'd do it...
In my mind, my current frustration that we as writers are not writing what we are living is justified...

Except, my part of the "we" equation is now methodically introducing damaged people in my novels because six years ago I was hit by a train that didn't stop moving so that I could patch up the damage. I had to pull myself out from under that moving train and climb onboard for the ride of my life that would leave me mentally, physically, and emotionally forever altered. The train was the invisible chronic illness known as Rheumatoid Arthritis...and I will be a passenger the rest of my life, leaving me feeling out-of-control of where I'm going... And occasionally I get thrown under the train so I can battered and scraped up again...

Thank you RA Train, I am forever in your debt because I am a better writer today than yesterday. A lot can be said for an author that writes with their own blood...
So now my BDSM-LGBT Erotica is more raw, authentic, both forgiving and unforgiving, because the taboo truth is that chronically ill and disabled folk have sex too...
And I'm trying to keep it real to balance the scale a bit.

Thank you Delta of The Romance Reviews for touching on the fact that my heroine lives with the invisible illness BiPolar Disorder in the great review of the Consequences of the Big Mistakes


Writer Update


My Daddy Dom/little book A LITTLE INDULGENCE is 15K from done...fingers crossed I can knock it out this weekend! gotta stay focused because my Little's so want to be their very own big series...

.....so cross fingers, say a prayer, dance naked, light a candle for me if you can....

Gotta do a little wrapup on THE TAMING AND SHARING OF XANDRA which is at wordcount but needs tweaked...
and from there.... deep breath:

Throw myself on starting REVELATIONS OF THE BIG MISTAKES which will wrap up Alexandra Van Zant's sibling thread of the VAN ZANT SIBLINGS series..... whew... 

When Alexandra’s sister calls her fiancé in the middle of the night frantically in need of a Shibari Master, Alexandra learns yet another secret about Gabe and falls headfirst into his kinky past. Not realizing the emotional turmoil she is about to propel herself into, Alexandra insists Gabe be Jessica’s rigger since he learned Shibari from Jessica's husband and has bound Jessica in the past.

Gabe isn’t thrilled with Alexandra’s plan, since his and Jessica’s shared secrets go farther back than anyone realizes. Knowing it’s about to get real, he brings in a back-up rope master, Francisco Emanuel to top Jessica. With Alexandra’s high-risk pregnancy and bipolar disorder leaving her teetering closer and closer to the abyss, he fears wrapping her sister in his rope may be the last straw.

Alexandra has her own ideas, demanding Gabe not only use the opportunity to share his love of Shibari with her but demands he dominate her as well. Will their relationship implode as secret after secret comes out? Or is their ménage too tightly bound for anyone to fall?


New Writing Project: A LITTLE INDULGENCE


So I am starting a new WIP and focusing on one of my favorite BDSM themes... Age play

Terms Defined:

Age Play-mutually enjoyable and consensual D/s scene (or full-time committed relationship) 

Daddy - one player is Big ie Dom ie Daddy - Daddy's love to shower their baby girls with lavish attention and will indulge their littles by watching cartoons, colouring, or playing with their beloved dolls or stuffies with them. Daddy's will arrive bearing treats (a new pacifier, or blankie, or teddy bear, or chocolates) if their "little" has accomplished a task, earned a promotion at work, etc. Daddy's favorite past-time is pleasuring or punishing their "little" sexually and will sometimes call this Big-Girl time, however roles usually stay in place because the "little" stays in the headspace so carefully created as a safeplace by their loving Daddy.

Baby Girl/Princess - one player is little ie sub ie baby girl - Baby Girls enter the headspace of their preferred age bracket (Infant, Terrible Two, Toddler, Young Child (4-6), Child (6-10) Tween (10-12) Teen) and rarely roam more than one age bracket from norm. Knowing the Baby Girl's age is very important as play can range from pacifiers and diapers with crib time confinement as punishment to Toddler/Young child who loves coloring, cartoons, juice boxes, stuffies, and storytime with spankings as punishment to Teens who require a heavier hand...

My WIP Explored:

Anyone who knows me well realizes that to draw me out of my hibernation cave and take me to lunch means also bouncing writing ideas or divulging all the dirty little twists and turns of my latest writing project...I try to start with full disclosure... this WIP is heavy with Shibari, or Spanking, or in this weekend's case: BDSM Age Play.

Was a surprised the first comment from my lunch companion to be: So legal pedophilia becase both people are consenting adults? 
And my response was EWWW, GROSS, NO!

Hence the importance of this blog post.... Educate the Masses!
Age Play can be a very important component of sexually active adults, just as a Dom/sub relationship allows people to Dominate or Surrender to needs and urges greater than societal norm of vanilla missionary...

example: CEO's can come home, shed the business suit, soak in a bubble bath and play with their rubber ducks, dress in jammies, and then relax while watching their favorite Disney movie while swigging from a juice box or baby bottle filled with wine... and then when Daddy comes home explore a full range of emotions from laughter to tears to euphoria of orgasm...

Back to my lunch date...
Now that we got the Ewww... Gross... out of the way...

I am completely involved with my characters and the words are flying onto the page faster than I can type... mainly I have tons of personal life reference... love, love, love age play! This is not something someone expects to hear at lunch, but okay, sure, let's start with the TMI because my friends come to expect this from me...

The trick is to write a story that doesn't hit the reader between the eyes and their mind goes to the Ewww end of the spectrum but rather to the realm of I'm Intrigued, Tell Me More...  to the Oh My God, I Need More!

Now I'm ready to get the word out to my readers... and hopefully... intrigue a few minds as to why and how this all works because it's a curious transition to go from "Yay, Daddy's home! Play with me!" and sitting on the floor playing with dolls together to "Lift your nighty Princess and show Daddy your panties" to "Have you been a Good Little Girl today or a Bad Little Girl today?"

Expect language like: 
"Please let me suck it, Daddy."
"I can be a good girl, please don't spank me, Daddy!"

So... here I go... back to the typewriter....
Comments welcome :)


Chronic Illness and Disability in Erotica

Career Sidelined by Chronic Illness...

Yes, that was me five years ago when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. 

I turned inward. Facing the devastating diagnosis I felt lesser, defeated, pushed aside...
In that moment I learned a valuable lesson from my Loyal Readers because once I stopped producing books on a regular basis I started hearing from my committed and concerned followers.

Reading their notes and emails I learned many of my readers are house-bound and chronically ill and by conversing with them I realized I wasn't useless or throw-away because of a label. My readers who so compassionately shared their stories with me to lift me up define who they are every day and if they can do it and still have a light sometimes sarcastic take on living with Chronic Illness and still be Sexual Beings, so could I...

That information combined with the knowledge that almost all of my personal friends are dealing with a chronic mental or physical illness made me start thinking about erotica and asking if our lives are so filled with the interruptions of illness, why isn't it  represented in erotica?

And now I am back!

Since those first dark years spent trying to get a diagnosis, I have found medication, which helped to normalize my life as much as possible and allowed me to return to my career as an erotica writer...

I wrote LOVERS with a woman in a wheelchair who suffered with childhood into adulthood rheumatoid arthritis. What seemed like such a small thing to me was suddenly a big deal to that titles original publisher who insisted I take out the wheelchair because it didn't belong in erotica. At which point I had a conversation with my publisher and shared a list of bdsm play parties and etceteras specifically targeted toward the disabled. I also chose to explain my own experiences because I am not a novice in dealing with chronic illness and became even more determined to "normalize" chronic illness in erotica because having to receive medication on a schedule or being confined to a chair does not make the person a lesser human being. 

Come'on... haven't we moved beyond treating people with mental and physical disabilities like children?
Apparently not.
Disability in erotica is hard to find because it confronts the idea a disabled person is nonsexual, which made it a taboo topic for far too long...

I am personally offended by that attitude!
I've always heard to "write what you know" because you can real and emotional layers impossible without having experienced something first hand. With that in mind...

I understand Chronic Illness ...
I understand BDSM on a 24/7/365 basis ...
I understand polyamory...
I understand bisexuality

I have life experiences in all four, why not mash-em-up? Enter the Van Zant Series...

To boot...

Why not have a Chronically-Ill Kick-Ass Heroine? 

And that's exactly what I'm trying to do in my Van Zant series by tackling all four points in spades, not by having the "token disabled secondary character my main character meets for lunch" but by creating main characters who are dealing with major medical problems but who are able to continue to love, laugh, play because that's what chronically ill people do every single day.

I feel confident in being able to write their stories.

Having personally played with a chair confined girlfriend and finding the experience amazing, I am able to approach my main character Alyssa who has MS and is chair bound from a positive reference point and use the lessons I garnered from "Anne" like learning to shift the focus of sex from "what makes me feel good" to "where can I touch you so that you feel good?" 

Few people know my first husband suffered from bipolar disorder complicated by schizophrenia or that he became a quadriplegic during our marriage because I never talk about him and for twenty years I have kept those memories tamped down. Recent events have brought the emotions from that time in my life to the surface and having a character with bipolar disorder was the perfect place to deal with my conflicted emotions. The side note being I have a much lesser and more manageable form of Bi-Polar, which allows me to create huge volumes of work during my manic phases is only that I am soooo thankful for my manic phases for that very bonus.

With Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Attention Deficit Disorder being introduced as a major players in my character Alexandra Van Zant's stories, I have really been forced to face both my present and past demons... every day I remind myself... write what I know... because I know that my experience may not be another's experience...

Reviews like this one that actually talks about how I have handled Alexandra's medical conditions as part of her characterization let me know I am on the right track and to keep going.

The series gets progressively hotter as it goes along, from Simmering to super HOT so I hope you will read Alexandra's stories and let me know what you think :)

(additional works in progress)



The Van Zant Siblings...... Featuring Alexandra

 Book Reviewed by Delta (reviewer)
[ Review Posted: Feb 03, 2016 ] - See all my reviews
I honestly can not even imagine living with someone like Alexandra's character. This book opened up my eyes to an often joked about mental disorder and just how painful it can be to both the sufferer and their loved ones.

Black and blue after surviving an attack from a killer in Montana, the world's leading geneticist Dr. Alexandra Van Zant is now back in Cincinnati, engaged to Patrick "Gabe" Gowan and trying not to remember how fucking hot their ménage a quartre was last week with Gabe's mates, Conor Larkin and Jonathon O'Donnell. But there are madmen still after Xandra, and Gabe, Conor and Patrick will do anything to keep her safe. With her bipolar disorder, OCD, ADHD and control issues, her ridiculously intelligent brain just doesn't ever turn off, making it difficult for anyone to try and help her stay safe (from both madmen and herself). Sex is the one time where her mind is empty of the insanity, and when she was with all three men, it was the best, most blissful and mindless experience of her life. But sex has to take a backseat when bodies start dropping all around her and threats on her life multiply. It will take all three men to keep this wild woman alive so she can save the world.

CONSEQUENCES OF THE BIG MISTAKES is the 3rd book in the Van Zant Siblings series and is best read in sequence. I made the mistake of jumping in blind, and while I eventually caught up, I did feel quite lost for awhile and vowed to go back and pick up the first two books. So first, the fact that this is a MMMF ménage was what made me say a big YES PLEASE to CONSEQUENCES OF THE BIG MISTAKES, but what keep me flipping the pages furiously was the great storyline. Xandra was a unique and fascinating character. I've never read such an in-depth description of the highs and lows of a bipolar in a manic episode, which was fascinating (and so scary/sad). It truly was like watching a train wreck, Xandra was so out of control and all over the place emotionally that I simply couldn't stop reading.

Gabe was incredibly understanding, having known her since childhood and how to deal with her severe swings. Their relationship was interesting too; Gabe encouraged her wild sexuality to come out to play, happily encouraging a repeat ménage performance. She wants the four of them to be a permanent foursome, living together and raising her goddaughter.

I was a little surprised by her intense and selfish reaction to the men being together sexually, but I can't say that I blame her too much, since her fiancé neglected to share the bisexual side of himself prior to Xandra seeing him and Jonathon balls deep in one another! The sex, dear Xenu the sex. It was incredible, I wanted to be a fly on the wall when they all got busy!! I love how Xandra gets something unique from each of the men, and them from each other. It was kind of weird for Xandra to be so enamored and needy for Conor even though Gabe is the love of her life and fiancé. Likewise, most of the time Jonathon felt like an afterthought. I'm interested to see how the three of them play out in the next book in this series. This was a long but fast-paced read, and I will most certainly be going back to check out the first two in this suspenseful, crazy and extremely sexy series while I await the next offering!

Bottom Line: This book isn't for the faint of heart. Alexandra's numerous mental problems are really in your face and not glossed over, nor are the messier emotional parts of the ménage they all enter into. I absolutely freakin LOVED it!
- See more at: http://erotic.theromancereviews.com/viewbooksreview.php?bookid=20232#sthash.yrnBpB0x.dpuf


2016 is coming!

Happy New Year 2016

I want to wish all my readers many happy moments, many loving moments, and maybe a few kinky moments because what is life if not an opportunity to step out of our comfort zones and do something a little different...

I love you all and thank you for reading my novels... send me a note and don't be shy! What did you love, what did you hate? What triggered your imagination and what pushed you from your comfort zone? I really want to know!


New Titles Written in 2015 

  • Surviving the Big Mistakes
  • Conquering the BIG Mistakes
  • Learning from the BIG Mistakes
  • Shibari Presence
  • Learning to Breathe
  • Learning to Breathe Again

Writing Planned for 2016 

  • Revelations of the BIG Mistakes 
  • Submissive 
  • Secondary Partners 
  • Shibari Christmas


5 STARS for Van Zant Series Books

I am so excited!
So much news to share! Since my Van Zant Siblings series has been introduced...

Both Surviving the Big Mistakes and Consequences of the BIG Mistakes have received 5 STARS from readers at Goodreads! And to be honest I've been holding my breath following several years hiatus while I battled the disease trying to destroy my body... so 5 STARS! YAY!

Alexandra Van Zant and her men are my first ménage a quatre!!!!

So excited... as the series progresses BDSM, Shibari, and polyamory jealousy and resolution are explored.

The first (new) two books are on special at Loose-Id 
for a limited time so get Surviving BIG Mistakes now for $5.59 
and Consequences of the BIG Mistakes for $4.47!!

NEW COVER ART for Learning From The BIG Mistakes!
Available January 11



Happy Thanksgiving! 

I am so full of gratitude for all of my loyal readers...

Your texts, messages, and emails have kept me going as RA stole my life for awhile and gave me the right encouragement to get my fingers typing again! 


So over the holiday when you find you are too full for a single bite more... and you have enjoyed more family time than a person has the right to... and the kids are finally tucked in (whew)... I hope you will give yourself some you time and maybe, just maybe you will want to meet Alexandra and her three men 

Love you all!

Book1: Alexandra                                             Book2: Alexandra