Desired Control vs Unwanted Control

The WIP I'm working on titled A Submissive's Journey (the sequel to Submissive in the anthology Dom/sub) deals with a sub facing the fact that her cherished long-term D/s relationship might not have been as healthy as she once thought...and now, facing a new relationship, she must come to terms with what she is willing to commit to and part of that is recognizing when the Desired Control slides over into Unwanted conntrol.

I think that this becomes an issue in "vanilla" and "kink" relationships and in either type of relationship, if not dealt with can be unhealthy.

It seemed oddly appropriate, since I am working with this issue in my writing, that someone asked me in a forum last night, "If you don't mind me asking, when you were in your 15 year full time D/s relationship, at what point did you see the desired control and abuse slip over into unwanted control and abuse?"

Here was my answer, imperfect punctuation, grammar and all...because I'm not at my best at 2:30am...
wrote about 9 hours ago:
That blurring line is always the tough one...its great that everyone always falls back on the line "safe, sane, and consensual" but the truth is consenual becomes blurred when you start taking more and more because of willingness to please etc...making safe and or sane at that point questionable.

I called it quits when I realized that no matter what I did...is wan't good enough...and when I sought outside help to talk to others about "is this normal" he became enraged and took my laptop as punishment. I'm a writer...lock me in the house, take away my car keys, deny me anything except my computer. I tried to leave, he hit me...I called 911 and as they say...got the hell outta dodge.

I don't think it needs to get that serious. Any time you feel that your wants, needs, or desires are being addressed, a red flag should go up because the Dom should really love you more than self. A good Dom will go above and beyond to make sure that you enjoy the experiences and have adequate attention post scene.

I am no longer an advocate of 24/7 relationships and worry about anyone who is in one because the scene never ends. I believe kink-time needs to be divided from real-time (or at least have a "Reality check-word" in place that says "we need to discuss our relationship (or scene) and where it is headed" or at least one room in the house becomes kink free so that real life issues and needs can be discussed without the personas of D/s in place because in a 24/7 one's own individuality suffers ... personality suffers ... and identity suffers.

For your situation, maybe all you need is to draw the line and set a timeframe for Playtime so that when it is over Reality comes back. Professional players do this all the time and whether it is an hour or a weekend or a week at a time...it ends. But even with that in place have the "reality check word" which is separate from your "safe word" and do not play with anyone who does not respect your need for these two types of safe words.

Here's an example...I'll use red(stop the scene), yellow(slow down the scene), green(I'm okay now) for my safe words as well as Master's Full Name Identification for very heavy scenes because once the endorphins kick in pain blurs so if I/or my partner cannot respond at any moment ...ie it takes too long to remember that middle name (Master's full birthdate can work too)...pain play stops.

The Reality Check word we use is "We need to talk" and we'll use it a long weekends or any extended play that lasts more than 12 hours (probably because I got so screwed up in the 24/7 nightmare I lived)...any time I feel the scene has deviated from the original plan (he or I) can use this...all "play" stops... we give up our "personas" long enough to sit and look at each other to honestly talk about what we're thinking, feeling, needing from the scene and from each other...because we are partners and co-creators of each others fantasies regardless of who is technically "on top".

Hope this helps and isn't too confusing... Hugs Roxy

So for anyone else out there, currently dealing with this issue and what I really didn't say in my answer is that it is all about communication and when in the context of a D/s relationship that can be a problem if you are being "forbidden from speaking".

Being kinky is amazing and it should promote personal growth on both sides, when it isn't working, it just isn't...so get out of the bad relationships and nurture the good relationships.