Ménage à Trois:

As if I don't have enough trouble with controlling the people living in my head...
You may remember a few weeks ago, when one of my characters was in fetal position and refused to participate in my novel unless I let her do what she wanted and I had no idea what that was exactly, until I surrendered to her. Here's a hint:

Ménage à Trois
n. A relationship in which three people, such as a married couple and a lover, live together and have sexual relations. [French : ménage, household + à, for + trois, three.]

Okay, okay not a hint--I hit you over the head with it!
I on the other hand, ripped open my psyche over it. By surrendering to the character in my book, I reached in and reopened an entire chapter of my life that was locked up nice and safe and tidy in the VAULT, the place where I keep all the events of my life that are too precious to let go of and too painful to live with...

A long time ago, in a land far away, in the Realm of My First Marriage...I can candidly, honestly say that I had a fairly open relationship that sometimes, okay, most times, involved more than one. A time when polyamory didn't have a website...a time when no one had a website...and the terms primary partner, secondary or tertiary parteners weren't words in our vocabulary but existed as living, breathing people in our lives. I am filled with gratitude that for a singular, precious moment my life included an incredible human being who was so passionate that he willing, nay insistantly, shared our marriage with others.

I miss him.

With him, I was authentic, no lies, no secrets between us.
Every lover since, I haven't been completely authentic with...I've held some piece of myself back--what a shame.

Sometimes, I will be driving, and a song will come on the radio, reminding me of something I was doing or saying in 1984, and I'll think, oh my god, was that girl me? More and more recently, I'm asking, where did she go? Why was it necessary for her to go and leave me with only the memories? Oh yeah, that pain thing...gut wrenching, heart shattering, mind-numbing...that led to the master plan of tucking it into the VAULT in the first place because I didn't want to live without him, so I'd forget it ALL plan. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.
What a really bad plan.

So here I am, learning again, the lesson of surrender, this time surrendering to self, being willing to stand up and speak out on all the things I believe, although I have no grand podium, just a very humble novel where my characters kick and scream until I get it right, sometimes reflecting my psyche by lying curled in fetal position until I flog them into action, flog them into releasing their own truths. The funny thing is, truths of my own are being released as well.

I miss you R.
Thanks for the Memories

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