Whatever Happened To Relaxation?

So today I was supposed to be on vacation...not too exotic...Lake Cumberland, but it's a beautiful day and hiking seemed like a really good idea. Then last night, as I was pulling out of town, otherwise known as crossing the terrifying bridge that leads from civilization (Cincinnati) into parts otherwise known as BFE...literally translated Bum-Fuck Eqypt, better known as Kentucky, I received not one but three emergency...you gotta come back to the office calls...HELLO! I'm a real estate agent...shouldn't emergency you gotta come back to the office calls be reserved for Nuclear Scientists and those incredible guys at the CDC? Trust me, I kept driving with my mantra being "gotta get across the bridge before 5pm"...yeah, so much for that plan... yes, I went back to the office!

So it's 4:19pm, an entire day later than planned, and I finally sat down with a glass of wine, sitting on a balcony, overlooking Kentucky's wonderful foothills...do not mistakenly call them mountains...they aren't...

Since it's too late in the day to hike, I pulled up the forum over at my other fav hangout Liquid Silver Books and what did I find but friend and BDSM cohort and author Lila Dubois (yes, that is such a fuckable name ... single guys are lining up to take her out!) was posting about Holiday Personal Ads...you know, the holidays do bring out desperation...

and yes, I've even thought about posting such an ad...maybe something like:
"SWF seeks SM: Only reply if you are six feet tall or taller, know without a doubt what an adrenaline rush feels like, know how to produce pain endorphins, and for your own sake know your way around a kitchen because to say that I am culinary challenged is to make those who love me laugh out loud...also, must not only believe in the concept of female ejaculation, but know how to make it happen and be comfortable with the mess once said female is done...also, bravery is mandatory because random naughty displays in public should be expected as the rule...not the exception."

Yeah...like anyone would respond to that!

However, Lila managed to find some even scarier Holiday Themed Posts:

#1: I clean your house for free and be your slave!! - 29
Hi all single women
if you tired of cleaning your house and looking for somebody do it for you ,im the right one. im 6 2 tall in real estate bussines with happy life, just for fun i love cleaning house and be slave for single women .its my day off and i can clean your house for Thanksgiving tomorrow, also i love wash your dishes and wash your clothes.I want to do it all naked.

#2:*** Turkey With Wealthy Model Type? *** - 38
Just broke up with my model girlfriend, looking for company for the holiday. I'm 6'1", very very handsome - former model, athletic, now successful entrepeneur (real estate), would like to meet model/actress/student type for friendship or more. If you just broke up - or are having relationship problems -lets have some Cristal together at my Penthouse overlooking Sunset Plaza. Liar. Happy Thanksgiving!

Okay, I'm kinda getting nervouse here...not EVERYONE is a REAL ESTATE PROFESSIONAL!
Or maybe, it's just REP who are desperate enough to run ads? Or maybe we're all just fucking workaholics who don't know how to leave the office and STAY AWAY for a few days and really dont have the opportunity to meet anyone...hmmmmmm.

I did enjoy this one, Lila, although giving said Dark Angel my web address may have been pushing the "Help-a-desperate-friend-Card" a bit...I even left in Lil's sidebar comments (in red) so you could see how her mind works...

#3:A dark angelic dominant man seeking seriously submissive girl - 39
As soon as I wrote it, I noticed that my choice of subject line sounds distressingly "goth," which I am certainly not. I mean it in some other way.

I am a tall, handsome, intelligent, talented, successful, virile man.

I will begin with the angelic part, and then go into the darker aspect. Both qualities are strong and singular, uncommon on their own, rarer still in being found together, if I must say so myself.

Somewhere in the heart of everything I do, is light... love, creativity, sincerity. I am honest, sincere, and normally warm, liked, trusted. I seek benevolent balance in relations with others... meaning both sides give as well as receive, and something positive should come of the exchange.
Actually, this is great, thoughtful, thought provoking, intelligent. I'm beginning to hope!

But in my case, those essentially positive energies can sometimes travel through circuits that are complex, obscure, easily misunderstood by the uninitiated. There are many factors that have gone into creating this... a subtly psychic and intelligent mind, a complicated psychology, a strong sexual drive, and a rich and tangled history of rare blessings and challenging traumas. Yea, about those tramas. Do they include fit of rage murders?

The darker side of me is sexual, demanding, forceful, purposeful, thoroughly in charge, always in control. I'm an ethical and honest person, so this side of myself can only be unleashed with someone who can handle it, who wants it, needs it, craves it. Again, good, but the Tramas still worry me.

The perfect words for what I want are elusive... concubine, sex slave, pet, property, girl, geisha, whore... elements of all of those things. Okay, I can't handle those words but I understand some people can. I want to poke him in the eye with a sharp stick right now... But I am, without apologies, looking for a relationship that begins as a primarily sexual channel. No talky! Care, creativity, and even spiritual energy will, I hope and expect, quickly be felt on that channel, but I want you to understand, accept and, I hope, be drawn to the idea of serving a sexual purpose/role for a man whom you have decided is attractive to you, trusted, of superior quality, deserving of you. I crave a relationship that is unequal, sexual, and ironically quite intimate.

So... I am looking ideally for a woman who craves both sides... the dark, sexual, seriously dominant side and the positive spiritual energy at the heart of it. If you are turned on by the idea of being commanded, used, trained, disciplined, pushed, handled in a forceful way, and put in your place, then maybe you will understand all this perfectly. If not, then you probably won't, and it will sound more confusing, somehow wrong, and possibly threatening. But I can promise you that I will always stay in control not just of you but of myself. I am not afraid to hurt you or push you, but I do not want to do any harm and your ultimate safety will remain a top priority and commitment for me.

I am selective. If you are interested in this, I ask you to send a letter of introduction and if possible one or more photos. If you inspire my interest I will contact you and send my own photos. If not, I will just say "Thank you very much for your time and interest." One-line responses are unlikely to work.

I am going to post this in both the "Men seeking Women" and "Casual Encounters" sections. For me, this will require some degree of mental/emotional connection to work, but it doesn't have to be a full-fledged relationship in the traditional sense, and actually I'd prefer that it begin with something squarely outside of that fairly mundane model. However, I am at least honestly open to the possibility that it might be the beginning of something broader/deeper for us. It's a possibility, not a requirement by any means.

Thanks for reading.

While there was some squickyness over all I actually like this guy... for Roxy. I am sending him a link to her website. He he he.
I'm not sure if I should be frightened or grateful...Thanks bunches, Lila ... I owe ya.


Lila said...


I'm just trying to look out for you girl. I am dying over the 'fuckable name' part. JUST TOO FUNNY!

What will be really funny is if he contacts you.

Everyone should have a fuck buddy for the Holidays...
Just think of how many candles are out durring this season, all different colors, scents, big ones, thich ones, skinny long ones, those yummy verticle ribbed ones...

Paige Burns said...

I just want to know where she finds these guys?!

Roxy Harte said...

Oh Lila,
I do adore you! If we ever get together to go man (read dominant) shopping at the BDSM Ball...you may never be the same! Dark angel sounds incredibly exciting...and the cleaning "boy" just needs "controlled" so that he doesn't have a chance to rub his naughty bits on the good china... but perhaps he could rub his naughty tongue over the parts you command him to lathe while he's trying to complete his household chores in a timely fashion...
Thanks for the holiday insights